The State of the Artist
Where things are right now.
I realized, this week, that all my relaxing projects - my soothing projects - are carrying some kind of stress load.
My Beetle Magic sweater has been on autopilot for so long, just lovely rounds and round of mindless knitting. Always there for me when I need to unwind and chill out - at 4 in afternoon when I need to switch gears from parenting to writing, again at 9 PM so I can unwind from the day. And now I have arrived at the sleeve colorwork which is my own design addition to the pattern, and after a few setbacks the knitting feels pressure-full. I had fun reading about Fair Isle knitting and going over a modern colorwork book that is full of bright cheery colors and patterns, even doing the math and drawing out charts was satisfying. It was fun last week, and this week its work.
The problem is not that the project is doomed or that I need to pull it out and knit this section again, it’s that I am seeking soothing and relaxing but instead I get a low grade stress. The colorwork was harder than I expected, I keep losing track of the counting, so I am constantly counting and recounting. My first design choices didn’t please me, so I am on plan B, and I have already had to pull it back twice because of mistakes that I couldn’t fix or fudge.
And my other soothing activities are in similar states - the book I was reading took a turn for the suspenseful thriller when I was looking for a witty romance. Instead of an escape, I just feel stressed about what will happens next.
The beginning of the school year is here which brings all sorts of big stress, but also the mild stress that creeps into casual, family time, asking “Is this enough? Is this intentional? Are their interests shifting?” An annual reexamination of priorities.
None of these are necessarily problems to fix, but it means that when I seek calm, I am met with a low-level stressor that leaves me feeling twitchy. Which means that I am already anxious when I shift to face the big stressors… and that just leaves me more eager to sink into a soothing book or a relaxing project.
Just acknowledging this cycle has been very helpful. Noticing where I have sought comfort and not gotten it helps me be kinder to myself. It’s a spot in end up in often enough - the confluence of the tough parts. It works out great when I can switch between projects and have something that is comforting and something that is challenging… but then there are moments like now where the challenging parts of the project line up with challenging life-moments (beginning of the school year! launching a class! fall homestead chores!) and that is where I really notice it.
I am slowly sorting though the issues - setting a limit for how many times I am going to attempt this colorwork before I let go of Plan B and move to a simplified plan C, starting a different book - and adding in some additional stress relief valves.
Some people find it silly when I tell them that my knitting is stressful. They think us placid, matronly knitters must knit because we have nothing else to do with our lives. Or at least that hobbies are supposed to be 100% fun. But for me is a stress relief as well as a creative outlet. And, really, its a lot easier to isolate the knitting stress than the parenting/homeschooling stress. I can see it and talk about it and make changes.
And we are going to be sorting through the different stress channels in The Snail’s Guide to Wandering, and while I can’t do much to help people with big Life Stress we are going to look at the stress that we have control over. Creative projects and hobbies are twisted in a toxic productivity culture, so that they matter more as a social signal rather than an outlet for creative energy and stress relief. Our experience of our hobbies and artistry matters less than our output.
And that just sucks. So let’s do it differently! Last day to sign up for The Snail’s Guide to Wandering. Click here for more about the course and here for enrollment! If this isn’t the time for you, I’ll be offering it again in January 2023.